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A Modern Driving Exam

February 20, 2014

After recently observing what has become common behavior in traffic, it occurs to me that a new set of questions needs to be asked on the driver’s exam. Here are some suggested entries:

1. This is a three-part question requiring a Yes/No answer to each part:

a. Is it ever appropriate to drive with a dog on your lap?
b. What if you appear to be at least 80?
c. What if the dog is approximately the size of a mature sheep?

2. When making a right turn onto a road with three or more lanes, how many bonus points do you receive for covering as many lanes as possible in the course of completing the turn?

a. 40
b. 10,000
c. 0
d. Negative infinity

3. While waiting in the left lane at a stoplight, under what conditions are you allowed to make a right turn out of nowhere?

a. After honking your horn twice
b. That’s the way to Carl’s Jr.
c. I forgot to go to the post office
d. Ain’t no way I’m waiting on that train; it’s like 400 cars long.

4. Tailgating can lead to the following:

a. A collision with the car in front of you, and possibly a multi-vehicle accident
b. The driver in front of you nominating you for a civic award
c. Arriving at your destination two seconds earlier than you otherwise would have, so it was totally worth it
d. A better view of that bumper sticker the driver in front of you really wants you to read

5. When driving while eating, what is the appropriate technique for steering?

a. Use your knees, dummy, brisket is meant to be eaten with both hands!
b. Never switch from your driving hand to your eating hand when handling fries or other greasy food
c. A Frosty is a drink, not a food?
d. Chucking rib bones out the window as you finish them removes a choking hazard from the vehicle

6. If the inside of your windshield becomes foggy, the best way to address the situation is to:

a. Reach into the backseat for a page from last week’s newspaper while maintaining a speed of at least 45 mph
b. Remove a shoe, then a sock, to wipe it clean
c. Turn on the windshield wipers, to see if maybe that fixes the problem
d. Go to Carl’s Jr. and use the wrapper from your sandwich to clean the windshield

7. Using a turn signal is a good idea:

a. After completing a turn and you see a police car, since it still counts
b. Never
c. On Tuesdays, between 6:23-7:12 a.m. only.
d. If you happen to remember

8. Even though the use of cell phones is banned while driving, under what circumstances may they still be used?

a. Almost got this Candy Crush level cleared as I was on my way out the door
b. I’m trying to find that one YouTube video where the cat is a dustmop
c. This Carl’s Jr. is closed and I need to find the next closest one
d. Traffic is boring?

9. Which of these is an appropriate time to sound your horn?

a. 0.03 seconds after a light turns green, and the car in front of you has not moved.
b. Your turn signal is broken and you need to indicate an upcoming lane change
c. You’re keeping to the beat of a great new Ke$ha song
d. A friend of yours who lives on the 20th floor is waiting for you to signal him that you’ve arrived. Come to think of it, you’ve been at this for 10 minutes and Dave still hasn’t come down. Better honk a little more.

10. Under what circumstances do you NOT need to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk?

a. That Carl’s Jr. closes in six minutes, sorry
b. You accurately determined the person was walking slow on purpose
c. You weren’t paying attention because you just remembered that time earlier today when you saw a horse in person and it made you think of how, if you ever owned a horse, you would call it “Nancy,” because you never meet any horses named Nancy.
d. When turning right onto a road with three or more lanes, and yielding would cause you miss out on some of those bonus points you’re going for

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