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The Things We Do (or not) Before We Die

April 23, 2016

One of those viral lists is going around Facebook right now. This one is about popular bucket list items – things you want to do, and places you want to see before you die. You mark an X next to whatever you’ve accomplished, and if you haven’t been there, done that, you just leave the item blank.

Rather than limit this information to only those I’m friends with on Facebook, I’ve decided to copy and paste it here for you to use as a litmus test for the value of your own life and the regrets you’re collecting:

Swam in a pond

Visited Hawaii – X

Went camping – X

Went on a blind date only to realize I have nothing in common with this person, and while she’s a lovely individual, why did anyone think we would work together? – X

Ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a white tablecloth restaurant – X

Continued to spend the night in a tent even after someone in there threw up on me – X

Showed restraint at a catered meal after a funeral

Thought about how nice it is to breathe through my mouth most of the time – X

Fired a potato gun

Ate a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs at a white tablecloth restaurant without using utensils or my hands – X

Made a parody film called “Close Encounters of the Second Kind,” about a peaceful turd from outer space

Successfully put together a piece of patio furniture after six tries

Considered planting potatoes, but then didn’t – X

Farted while parasailing in Hawaii – X

Threw one of my shoes in a pond, so I could complain about having only one shoe – X

Fired a gun at a potato – X

Had a nice time while riding the bus once – X

Fell off a roof while attempting to hang holiday lights for Cinco De Mayo

Went to an Air & Space museum’s gift shop to ask if they had one of those posters of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” – X (they didn’t)

Thrown away a pair of underwear

Been in a car accident, due to the BBQ ribs slipping out of my hands

Had a child

Had a child look me up & down while I was seated, and was told, “You’re big.” – X

Went to the dentist recently

Had a telephone conversation with Jay Leno about what a nice guy he is – X (he did all the talking)

Eaten just waffles and breakfast sausage and cantaloupe and fried chicken and chocolate mousse and roast beef and asparagus and mashed potatoes for dinner – X

Watched more than one episode of “My Cat from Hell,” for some reason – X

Successfully used diet and exercise to lose 20+ pounds, only to gain it all back again because pizza – XXXX

Jumped out of a plane while it was on the ground – X (technically, I missed the last step, but I’m still counting this one)

Swam in a volcano to retrieve a potato I dropped in there

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